trip

Dear ting ting

honey,

I love you so much.

and I m happy that you love me so much too.

on this trip, I enjoyed the time with you a lot.

CT, Boston~ even though only a few days, I got more that I paid. hahah

Right now, waiting for airplane @ chicago.

dono what to write here. so going to write more when i go back to my dorm.

heheh

love uuuu

chu chu

Park

yesterday, i went out with my mom.

and went to famous park just to sightseeing on the way to go visit my dad.

I took a pic of the dear that I sent to u.

so peaceful to go to a park.

but, the more I enjoyed the time there, the more I remembered the time with u.

I want to go travel with u again,

to where we have never been in our life.

love ya

tomoya

Dear Ting Ting

I am happy to see you got a job and started working.

Hope you can learn a lot and improved your skill a lot.

but at the same time, I miss you a lot. hahaha

maybe I am at home, do nth, thats the problem.

but I want to talk with you moreeee.h hahaha

I m very afraid of what will happen after I start to work.

Would you love me even though we don't talk that much???

I am afraid your feeling might change.

heheh, anyway, ganbatte- for tmr too

hope your ipod will come to you soon.

my congratulation gift for you got job.

tomoya

complaining~~~

What do I want?
Should i move out or not?
Feel like i m being a bad daughter to leave my dad alone.
But I hate to see my parents keep going to play ma jiang not coming back home.
I hate that living in the same house seeing each other's short coming.
I hate that living in a house with a feeling that whatever this is not your house, so you shoudn't decoreate it.
For me a house should be a comfortable place to live, feel love.
I thought I felt so good to live at home right after I got back.
But after two months of living at home, just feel like this is not really home.
My parents always play ma jiang, beside that they know nothing.
They even rather choose to spend money on that game instead to walk around and feel life.
Every single after I cleaned up, they house got back to dirty again the next day.
I don't like my stuff being touch.
I just want to live with someone that I don't know, they won't touch my stuff, and I don't have to care them, no need to take the responsible of each other.
I guess I am just afraid of seeing people's shortcoming, afraid to have conflicts, and don't want to care, and don't want to take the responsibility.
I guess I am being alone too much.
I hate to living like don't know what I want, but it is true that I don't know what I want. All the thing that I can do is to think and move step by step.

Valentine

Happy Valentine

Ting Ting

I am going to give u a dozen of roses :p

hope you love them.

in the language of flowers, or floriography

red roses means true love.

hehehe

I truly love you.

I will wait for you to give me roses too somedays :p

Bad mom~~~

I hate my mom who has no money, but keep going to gambling. I hate her, always go to my bank account withdraw the money. Even though I told her many times not to do it but still keep doinng so. When I was hurt by the surgery, she just keep going to play ma jiang, not taking care of me. Why do I have this kind of mom? Why I have a mother who always lie? Why I have a mother always gambling. I hate her. I hate that she has no moral. She came back early is not going to the surgery with me, just came back early to play ma jiang. I thought a mom suppose to take care of their kid while they were sick.

My first surgery!

Today I had my frist surgery in my life.

Everything was so scary.

Even though my mom and brother went with me, I was in the exam room by myself, I was in the waiting room by myself, I was in the surgery room by myself.

When I was waiting in the exam room by myself, I saw so many patients are with families. I was feeling so scared and lonely. Why can't I have family support me?
And then nurse told that I have to pee, but I couldn't. At that time I wanted to cry so much, cuz I felt so helpless, and I can't even pee.

And then they brought me to the waiting room. The nurse told me to laid down on the bed. I was waiting over there by myself, and feeling so worry, and scared because nobody talked to me. And then I found a way to relax, it is by thinking you. (that helped me a little bit)

Finally the doctors came and the nurse came asked me some question, and then moved me to the surgery room. I looked at the room. I was thinking this is the room that I always see it in the drama or movie. I was thinking, omg it is so scary when you are the one who is laing there being "cut." I really want to scream out that I don't want to do it anymore. but I know I shouldn't escape, because I have been annoying by that symtom for like 2 years.

When I woke up I was in the recovery room already. I was thinking "oh I am alive!" But the first thing that I spoke out is that it hurts, and then the nurse put some liquid in to the needle, that kind of released some of my hurt, but that still hurts a lot. so she gave me another medicine. And then I waitted in the recovery room by myself for another two hours, while I saw so many other patients family come check out them.

At the end my mom and my brother came up pick me up. I felt so touchy when my brother knows that I felt so hurt, and said do you want me to carry you. And then when i said i m so hungry, so want to throw up, my dad bought me congee. I was thinking that only family can be with you and support you when you are sick.

At home feel so sick, dizzy, hurt, pain, mentally and physically. My parents and brother are laughing happily, because they have a healthy body. They are not making fun at me, but I just feel so jealous, how come when i felt so hurt my mom can say so many words that sounds don't care, how come when I am suffering, she is laughing. Can she understand me even a bit. But I guess asking other people to understand me is very difficult, because they are not me, they can't feel the pain on my body.

waitted until the night time. you got online, i told you that i called you many times. I hoped that no matter you are my bf or not, I hope you can be with me when i am sick, if you can't be with me, you should have to give me a call after surgery. I was so disappointing the first sentence that I got is that, "but I was sleeping, I have to wake up early, to go out with mom."
wake up early not b/c you have to give me a call, but b/c of that, my surgery is that much tiny. so tiny that you didn't worry about it.

So tired of you, someone who doesn't know what is more important.


Hope this is going to be over soon.

Thoughts

Dear Ting

Whether you are going to see this or not, i will just write down how i am feeling now.
firstly, I want to thank you for what u have done for me since December 4th, 2008.
You are just perfect for me. you are romantic, giving me a bunch of surprises, memories, and hopes.
you gave me reason to live, exist.

i can't stop thanking you because you gave me so much.

now I am here without u.
I feel like I lack sth. you are fine without me. but obiously i was relying on you so much.
now i dont have someone to share sth with, to fight with, be romantic with, play game with, and release my worry about future with. Even though I watched american funny drama, I can't share with anybody. I have friends, but you were the one who I wanted to share everything. Simply, i wanted to share sth, then smile together with u.

my feeling is simple. I love you because I need you.
I need someone to share sth, play game, have fun together, talk about sth romantic, share same value, dream the same dream, watch the same movie, read the same news, sometimes discuss sth meaningful in our life, and live together.
Now, You rejected me. you said you dont need me.
I thought you were relying on me but i realized that was not u, but me.
fine.

you told me reasons.
but sounds too difficult to me.
I simply want those things in relationship.
not past, it is about present and future.
you are telling me complicated stuff. religious? I wanna be christian if u want me to.
but it is impossible for me to be christian in a couple days. I want to respect christian.
I need to change the way i am and the way i handle the problem, the way of thinking about life to be with u.
I thought you love me, you love how i am, how i was, and how i am going to be. I thought you love what i have.
I thought you knew that. different religion? so cant? too complicated for me.
why you cant love how i am now?I am willing to adjust you. I am okay with changing religion.
but why you cant just love how i am now?
you loved how i was few days ago.
but now you are telling me you cant because of religion.

I know If i tell you I cant change so quick, then you would say thats fine, you dont need me.
thats why i dont tell you anything. I want to give a shot, even though I am confused.
I want to try to get u back as much as i can, i would regret if i dont do it.
but
plz just tell me... why you cant love how i am now.
plz....
plz.......

your explanation sounds make sense.
I am not that much stupid to understand what u told me.
but sounds like if i am not christian, you cant love me no matter how good i am.
if i am christian, you can love no matter how bad i am.

tomoya

Old days

Dear Ting Ting

I remember smell of fountains, trees, green fields, clear air of the place.
I remember the park that we often went and talked about our senses.
I remember the empty lecture room that we secretly went after classes.

they are always in my mind.
they are still vividly coming back to my mind.

I remember the way to your house in dark.
I remember the tears of u.
I remember the night that we talked under million of stars at track

I dono why
I dono why
I went there to study but I only remember those thing.
I dont remember what did i learn from classes.

Thank you.
There you were, therefore here I am.

Love you,

Tomoya

I am being bored....

Dear tomoya,

Last friday after I went to my friend's church, I realized something. Two and half years ago, I transferred from my old college to Ualbany. After that so many unhappy things happened: got sick, so unhappy, GPA drop so much, etc. Around that time, is the time that I don't go to church that much. At that time I think why do I have to rely on god so much. I can't touch him, hear him, feel him, and I don't even know if he really can help me or not. And why so many things happening to me and he didn't help me. So at that time I stopped rely on god and trust him so much. But that day while I was at the church I realized that, I changed a lot after I transferred to Ualbany, I said bad words, do a lot of things that god doesn't like it. I found out that it is not god doesn't help me. It is that I walked away from god. Those things happened cuz I am not relying god anymore. (I want to share my experience of god to you) I hope I can change. I hope I can rely on god more. You know what? every day, time and thing could be change, except our faith. I hope my faith won't ease easily. I hope we learned to treasure while we are still having it not after we lost it, this is the reason why I love you. I love you, not because of my temporary passion, but because I chose to.

Love you,

Ting

lonely

Dear ting ting
today i had a speech in front of 50 students to talk about study abroad. maybe u r sleeping now. hope u r dreaming about us together.ting ting i m lonely. i miss u...i m afraid one day i lose u. what can i do if i lose u. every single day i think about it.ting ting i m taking train now.when i think about u the noises of train go further. hahaha i m really in love with u.

tomoya